FAQs About Grief
How do I cope with feelings of guilt about things I did or didn't say/do?
Feelings of guilt and regret are, unfortunately, very common experiences when grieving the loss of a loved one. It's human nature to go over past interactions and agonize about things we wish we had handled differently or said while we had the chance.
Maybe you feel guilty about an argument you had before their passing, and never fully resolved it. Or perhaps you regret not visiting more often or telling them how much they meant to you. We all carry what I call "guilt inventories" – lists of perceived wrongdoings and missed opportunities.
First, it's important to understand that these feelings don't necessarily reflect reality. Grief has an uncanny ability to distort memories and perspective. Unless you were intentionally cruel or abusive, which I doubt, the guilt likely stems from your high expectations of yourself rather than actual grievous offenses.
Secondly, your loved one knew how much you cared. Beyond the individual words or actions, they understood the broader context of your relationship and love. They wouldn't want you tormenting yourself this way.
That said, I know how intrusive and insistent these guilty feelings can be. My advice is to allow yourself to fully feel and experience the guilt, but consciously counterbalance it. You can write yourself a letter expressing understanding and self-forgiveness. Or make a list of positive memories and times you showed your love.
Ritual can also provide healing when overwhelmed with guilty feelings. You could write an apology letter and ceremonially burn it, letting the ashes and smoke symbolically release you of that burden.
Most importantly, know that achieving complete freedom from guilt is not realistic. What you can hope for is to befriend the guilt, allowing it to exist in the background without punishing yourself daily over it. Over time, with self-compassion work, it should diminish in intensity.
Guilt is part of the grieving process, but it doesn't need to leave permanent emotional scars. Be gentle with yourself. Your loved one understood the complexities of your bond.
Ida Uzelman is the compassionate heart behind River of Hope Counselling in Kelowna, British Columbia. Originally from Africa, Ida has embraced the warmth of the Okanagan as her home for the past three decades. Her life's passion lies in supporting others through times of grief and loss, fueled by the echoes of her own family's experiences. Ida finds endless inspiration in works like "The Gift," "Grief Journey," and "The Untethered Soul" as she continues her journey as a forever learner.
In her personal life, Ida delights in the simple joys - playing tennis, hiking the local trails, dancing, and sharing laughter over plain rice and salt with dear friends and family. Above all, she lives with profound gratitude for every experience that has shaped her into the caring counsellor she is today. While the past cannot be changed, Ida believes we all have the power to find new meaning in our present moments and the resilience within ourselves.